last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
