She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
then he tried to convert me to islam
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
