I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You're a waste of cheezeits
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
