I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if only i could text you this smell
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
