You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
