Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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