so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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