guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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