I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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