I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
