don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
