He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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