it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize