Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Randomize
