You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize