3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
