I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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