My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
