Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
