I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
