I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
