When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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