I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
