i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
