Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the day after is always just damage control
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
