I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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