I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
