White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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