you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
