Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
