Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
