She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I can't turn off my feet"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
