Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize