im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize