you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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