Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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