I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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