I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
