she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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