Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
