he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
