I have demons in me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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