Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
