He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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