You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
