i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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