If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
