my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
