So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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