Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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