I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
