Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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