If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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