is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
