I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
